The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
