so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
