girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
