Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
