It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
