I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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