I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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