you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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