please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
