oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
