He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize