no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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