just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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