My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
