My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
