U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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