the new term for farting is butt boxing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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