I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
