just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
