Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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