drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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