Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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