I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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