it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
