I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize