i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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