look no pants
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
