I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
