the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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