I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
