Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
