i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
