remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
