Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
