ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
