Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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