My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
