he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
