I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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