Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
