I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
