Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
