I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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