Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
