im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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