We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
