im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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