I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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