I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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