I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
