I just pynch a tree in the face
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
