false alarm. still invincible.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
