yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
