She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
