You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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