how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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