listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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