i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
