I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize
