He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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