i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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